Everyone Needs a Beacon
11/26/2007 - By Stephanie Overcoming sexual abuse, depression, attempted suicide - finding your beacon.
Life isn’t always easy. It comes with bumps and bruises that start from your very first breath and end with your last. The key is how you handle those bumps along the way. Early in life I was challenged with problems children should never have to experience. At a very young age I was a victim of sexual abuse. It lasted for several years by more than one perpetrator. The piece that continues to amaze me is that I didn’t recognize I was being abused. I thought it was normal to be treated that way by my tennis coach and my high school teacher. As very basic instincts teach us, I did what I had to in order to survive.
Survive I did, for many years. Until the world as I knew it came crashing down around me. It amazed me that while I had been able to cope for so many years, one day I couldn’t face the world. Sure I had suffered through many periods of serious depression over the years, but never before had I experienced such a strong desire to end the pain. Waking up, getting up, simple things that we take for granted like brushing our teeth, showering, eating, all became too much for me. Despite the efforts of many doctors, friends and family, I didn’t improve. I was told I suffered from manic depression and it would be a life-long battle.
After seven long years and two very serious suicide attempts that left me on life support, I was desperate for help. I had tried behavioural therapy, cognitive therapy, sexual abuse therapy, drug therapy, shock therapy and nothing seemed to help. I had even gone so far as to seriously consider an experimental therapy that involved removing your skull and inserting permanent electrodes to re-stimulate the brain and hopefully alleviate the depression. Then one day, I found my Beacon.
I found a program that gave me new hope and the strength to believe in myself again. Through the help of my doctors and very supportive friends and family, I began a new journey. This was not a journey I had ever expected to take nor will I ever choose to re-live. It involved stripping myself to the very core and looking at what I did to contribute to my abuse, my depression, my failed relationships, my poor self-confidence and the very high expectations I have of both myself and others.
Through this intensive, yet very supportive 3 month in-patient program, I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. The team of therapists and co-patients (10 of us altogether) helped me to scratch away at my deepest fears, expose my most painful of wounds and explore what I was doing to create my own misery. My best description of this process was going to hell and living it everyday.
Once I was able to recognize the impact I had on my own life and the way things happen, it will always sit first and foremost in my mind. I think, eat, breathe and yes, even dream it. As painful as it can sometimes be, it is also the closest I’ve ever come to freedom. I’m not a label anymore, “manic depressive”. I’m Stephanie and through the continued support of my friends and family, I can rely on myself to make the very best or the very worst of any situation. The choice is mine. I finally found the freedom of choice. I am no longer a victim of life or of circumstance.
Children don’t always have the freedom of choice. Although they should be provided with the very best of care, love, support and education, it doesn’t always happen. The Child Smile Network and its partners have played a significant role in my on-going recovery. I am proud to support their cause and would do anything to prevent another child from facing trials and traumas that should never be a part of anyone’s childhood. Everyone needs a Beacon in life, The Child Smile Network looks to create that light for all children.
Stephanie
